Post by Sam Winchester on Jul 15, 2014 20:48:30 GMT -5
The hours Sam spent summoning Crowley, begging to make a deal, any deal, that would bring Dean back passed without result. He had shouted, pleaded, and even threatened the king of hell, but to no avail.
"Crowley, you son of a bitch." He croaked in defeat, turning away, kicking over the remains of his summoning supplies.
His feet carried him back to Dean's room, dread and despair filling him.
What he found was an empty bed and his stomach dropped.
Everything suddenly made sickening sense, and he hated himself for not realizing it earlier.
/He's not dead./ He realized, numbly, barely daring to hope. /But if he's not dead, where is he?/
Dean wasn't dead.
The mark of Cain.
He should have realized it sooner! But that did not make it hurt any less.
He needed answers, desperately, but Castiel had not yet returned, and though he begged and prayed, the angel never showed up. Had something gone wrong in heaven? Was Metatron still in charge?
He wasn't going to give up that easily, damnit!
Sam moved through the bunker like a man possessed, tearing open a duffle bag and throwing supplies into it. Rage and sorrow fueled him, a combination that had proven to be fatal in the past, most notably when he had hunted Gabriel shortly after the torment he was made to suffer at that ridiculous Mystery Spot-- shortly after Dean had /died/ because of him.
He snatched the keys to the Impala off a nearby table, and stood, duffle bag over his shoulder, shaking with pent up emotion, and not yet knowing where it was he was going.
_____________________________________
Being a guardian angel was... Different.
Being the guardain angel of the man you certainly did not have cool kid platonic feelings for...
Not so much.
Sam rarely smiled anymore. The light in his eyes was fading, and he moved his hands less when he talked. Or... That had been the way it was in a happier time. Now Dean was gone - not dead, it seemed, just gone - there was no light. And there was nothing that a guardian angel could /do/, nothing to make it better like he was supposed to, as it said in his job description... Nothing but leave the issue alone and hope his tiny miracles would suffice. Sam wouldn't trip on that ledge, or step on that pin, or eat uncooked meat. But there was nothing he could do to be saved from the pit of despair others had thrown him in to.
Nothing... Legal, anyway.
Gabriel sat in the shadows, watching, before he spoke for the first time in a long time. "Hello Sam."
_____________________________________
Sam was gripping the keys of the Impala too tightly, but he felt nothing.
His mind was a whirlwind, and in the midst of it all was a feeling of immense loneliness. It gnawed at him, wore him down, and he could not recall the last time such a feeling had weighed so heavily upon him. Dean was gone. Not dead, but probably something far worse-- something he never wanted to become.
And Cas was still missing.
They were all he had left, and he lost them both all at once. Though Cas was more of a free radical that he learned could not always rely on, but he still put a lot of his faith in him.
"Cas!" He called desperately again, turning in a slow circle, his eyes searching the painfully empty bunker. "Cas, please..." The words faded from his lips, and still there was no response.
Sam felt another wave of grief and loss surge through him. His eyes, red and swollen from the countless tears he shed before, were wet and shining again.
He did not know what to do.
As if the universe meant to answer him, a quiet voice startled him out of his dark daze. He whirled, angel blade in hand.
"Who--"
Sam stopped himself. He knew that voice.
It was the voice of an angel that had literally turned his entire world upside down on itself on more than one occasion. The angel that had infuriated him beyond reason, second only to the infuriation that was Lucifer. The angel he had trusted in the end. The angel that had /died/ trying to save them from his dick of a brother.
All at once he felt that fury, then grief-fueled hatred, understanding, trust and then...loss. All of the emotions the arch angel Gabriel had inspired within him in the past. Amongst those feelings was another, lost within the deep sea of despair crashing violently within his heart.
"You're not real." He stated simply, laughing weakly. "You're nothing but a figment of my imagination-- my conscience trying to fill the dark void I feel inside me."
The Impala's keys fell from his grasp, loudly crashing to the floor. Sam slumped back into the nearest chair, the duffle bag he had slung across his shoulder falling to the side. "I've cracked again, haven't I?" He learned forward, elbows resting on his knees, his face buried in his hands. "Every time. I break and fall apart. Over and over again. I don't think I can do it again. Not this time."
His hands clenched in his hair. "I couldn't save him this time." The words were soft, and he felt himself falling apart all over again.
_____________________________________
Gabriel felt his heart sink as Sam blew him off immediately yet again, just as he had with his little miracles and tiny smiles.
"I guess I am whatever you want me to be, Sambert." He chirped, the words sounding strangled as he heard them leave his lips. "Last time I checked I was real, but maybe i'm remembering wrong." He shook out his wings before folding them behind his back, taking a few steps toward the hunter and swallowing hard. "Listen, I- about your brother..."
_____________________________________
Sam was laughing again, quietly, his shoulders shaking and his dark hair spilling over his face. He /felt/ insane, and he /hated/ it. "If you're real--" He began to croak out, looking up at the arch angel, "--then where the /hell/ have you been all this time? Lucifer has been cage-bound for years-- what kept you away? How could you stand by and watch heaven /fall/?"
Sam raised his eyes to look upon Gabriel, to glare his anger, frustration, and hurt.
"You abandoned /everyone/."
/You abandoned me./
The thought floated through his mind, unnoticed amongst the guilt and pain that held him in a vice-grip.
At the mention of Dean, he vigorously shook his head. "What about him? Did you just come here to tell me what I already know? Nothing you say is going to change a damn thing, Gabriel!"
"I have to find him, and no one is going to stop me. Not you, not Crowley, no one. So unless you have anything useful to say, get the hell out."
_____________________________________
Gabriel's mouth opened and closed several times, his usually playful expression completely blank. "I didn't come back because I couldn't, Sam. I'm dead." He said quietly, his wings - although no one but him could see them - tucking behind his back, away from nonexistant prying gazes, almost... Shy. "I was resurrected as a Guardian Angel- yours, to be exact, but... We don't exist on the human plane, just like soldier's wings are hidden. I've been with you for four years, I just wasn't allowed to tell you. I mean-" He paused, rubbing at his eyes. "That sounds creepy as hell, but it's the truth. I didn't a- ...aband-" The former archangel choked on his own words, shaky breaths moving in and out of his lungs. "I didn't abandon everyone, I just had to sit and wait as they fell apart. A dead angel is no use to anyone, I was ignored, disregarded, scorned, even-! Sam, I /tried/. But my siblings are FAR from perfect." He walked in front of Sam again, desperate to be seen. "The only reason i'm here now is because there's no one left." He confessed in a whisper, fists clenched. "No one cares about big bro anymore. So I quit. Took my mojo- what I have left- and flew the coop, running straight to the only person who /might/ believe I'm worth something anymore."
_____________________________________
Gabriel's words might have shocked him a couple of years ago - a day ago, even - but here and now, facing the loss of Dean, he just absorbed them without objection. There was almost nothing on heaven, earth, or hell that surprised him anymore, and Gabriel's explanation made a hell of a lot more sense than the chaos that surrounded him.
"My guardian angel--" He finally breathed out, his mind jumping to varying instances over the past four years that were nothing short of a miracle. Instances he had passed off as sheer dumb luck and quick reflexes, because he had learned to stop believing in miracles. Angels were just as corrupt, greedy, and manipulative as mankind. Castiel was the only angel he trusted, and even then he too had succumbed to the corruption of power. Then, there was Gabe, an arch angel that he had wanted to hate. Though, to be fair, that was before Sam knew what he was. He trusted Gabriel even when Dean did not, and even now he felt called by the angel's presence, easily putting his faith in his words.
What ever hardened exterior he had built up upon Gabriel's arrival was slowly eroding away.
He felt guilt for giving him such a hard time, but not guilty enough to apologize, and not when his mental state was questionable. The glare that sharpened his features just moments ago softened with a quiet sigh. As great as his suffering was, he was not so selfish as to push Gabriel away when he was in great need himself.
"You chose a hell of a time to fly the coop." Sam said, the tension leaving his shoulders. "But it looks like we're in this together." He sat back in the chair and threw a hand up. "So what now? Where do we go from here?"
On second thought, he had a more pressing question.
"Actually, wait. If you're a guardian angel, why didn't you fall with the rest of them? You can't be dead if they resurrected you."
_____________________________________
Gabriel have a humorless huff of laughter. "Well, no one's tried to make a Guardian out of an Archangel before, have they? Guess the rules aren't quite the same on this end. Or somethin. I don't know." He pushed his hair, once styled and elegant, now floppy and saddened, out of his eyes. "All I knew was that my Dad really didn't give a flying fuck what his secondary creations were doing when he wasn't home, and in turn, they learned not to give one about him. You and Dean-o are the only ones I have faith in anymore. So here I am. Where from here?" He looked up at Sam from his towering height, winking- but instead of a meaningless, silly gesture, it was gentle, and affectionate. "Hell if I know, but at least I'm with you."
Suddenly he snapped his fingers, the gesture doing nothing with his current lack of powers, but still cracking in the quiet of the night. "I do know one thing. You see things differently when you're in the eighty-millionth dimension, and I saw what happened to your bro. And he aint Dead."
A grimace.
"Well. Not...really, anyway."
_____________________________________
Sam nodded slowly through Gabriel's explanation, rising to his feet to pace as the arch-angel-turned-guardian-angel spoke. A lot of it made no sense to him, but then again a lot of what the angels did never made much sense to him anyways. His faith in them had been jaded a long time ago, and he finally accepted that there was almost no one he could trust on heaven, hell, or earth. Not even his own /brother/. He felt bile rise in his throat at the memory of Dean's most recent betrayal, but that did not matter now, did it? Because he would rather have that back than not have Dean at all, and he had realized it too late.
Sam's expression, contorted with grief, softened slightly at the shadow of Gabe's usual wink.
But whatever moment of reprieve had been there vanished when Gabriel brought up Dean again. "I-I know." He said, sighing heavily in an effort to maintain his composure, hazel eyes dropping as he ran a hand through his hair. "Bodies just don't disappear." Sam grimaced, hand clenching his dark hair. "I shouldn't have left his side. I--"
He choked on his words, a fresh wave of hot tears lining his eyes. "I have to find him, Gabe. I have to /help/ him." Sam bent down to pick up the duffle bag he had dropped on the floor a while ago. "I can't stay here. I don't know where I'm going, but I can't stay here." Shouldering the bag, he took a few paces towards the garage then turned his head to look back at Gabriel, "You're welcome to come."
"Crowley, you son of a bitch." He croaked in defeat, turning away, kicking over the remains of his summoning supplies.
His feet carried him back to Dean's room, dread and despair filling him.
What he found was an empty bed and his stomach dropped.
Everything suddenly made sickening sense, and he hated himself for not realizing it earlier.
/He's not dead./ He realized, numbly, barely daring to hope. /But if he's not dead, where is he?/
Dean wasn't dead.
The mark of Cain.
He should have realized it sooner! But that did not make it hurt any less.
He needed answers, desperately, but Castiel had not yet returned, and though he begged and prayed, the angel never showed up. Had something gone wrong in heaven? Was Metatron still in charge?
He wasn't going to give up that easily, damnit!
Sam moved through the bunker like a man possessed, tearing open a duffle bag and throwing supplies into it. Rage and sorrow fueled him, a combination that had proven to be fatal in the past, most notably when he had hunted Gabriel shortly after the torment he was made to suffer at that ridiculous Mystery Spot-- shortly after Dean had /died/ because of him.
He snatched the keys to the Impala off a nearby table, and stood, duffle bag over his shoulder, shaking with pent up emotion, and not yet knowing where it was he was going.
_____________________________________
Being a guardian angel was... Different.
Being the guardain angel of the man you certainly did not have cool kid platonic feelings for...
Not so much.
Sam rarely smiled anymore. The light in his eyes was fading, and he moved his hands less when he talked. Or... That had been the way it was in a happier time. Now Dean was gone - not dead, it seemed, just gone - there was no light. And there was nothing that a guardian angel could /do/, nothing to make it better like he was supposed to, as it said in his job description... Nothing but leave the issue alone and hope his tiny miracles would suffice. Sam wouldn't trip on that ledge, or step on that pin, or eat uncooked meat. But there was nothing he could do to be saved from the pit of despair others had thrown him in to.
Nothing... Legal, anyway.
Gabriel sat in the shadows, watching, before he spoke for the first time in a long time. "Hello Sam."
_____________________________________
Sam was gripping the keys of the Impala too tightly, but he felt nothing.
His mind was a whirlwind, and in the midst of it all was a feeling of immense loneliness. It gnawed at him, wore him down, and he could not recall the last time such a feeling had weighed so heavily upon him. Dean was gone. Not dead, but probably something far worse-- something he never wanted to become.
And Cas was still missing.
They were all he had left, and he lost them both all at once. Though Cas was more of a free radical that he learned could not always rely on, but he still put a lot of his faith in him.
"Cas!" He called desperately again, turning in a slow circle, his eyes searching the painfully empty bunker. "Cas, please..." The words faded from his lips, and still there was no response.
Sam felt another wave of grief and loss surge through him. His eyes, red and swollen from the countless tears he shed before, were wet and shining again.
He did not know what to do.
As if the universe meant to answer him, a quiet voice startled him out of his dark daze. He whirled, angel blade in hand.
"Who--"
Sam stopped himself. He knew that voice.
It was the voice of an angel that had literally turned his entire world upside down on itself on more than one occasion. The angel that had infuriated him beyond reason, second only to the infuriation that was Lucifer. The angel he had trusted in the end. The angel that had /died/ trying to save them from his dick of a brother.
All at once he felt that fury, then grief-fueled hatred, understanding, trust and then...loss. All of the emotions the arch angel Gabriel had inspired within him in the past. Amongst those feelings was another, lost within the deep sea of despair crashing violently within his heart.
"You're not real." He stated simply, laughing weakly. "You're nothing but a figment of my imagination-- my conscience trying to fill the dark void I feel inside me."
The Impala's keys fell from his grasp, loudly crashing to the floor. Sam slumped back into the nearest chair, the duffle bag he had slung across his shoulder falling to the side. "I've cracked again, haven't I?" He learned forward, elbows resting on his knees, his face buried in his hands. "Every time. I break and fall apart. Over and over again. I don't think I can do it again. Not this time."
His hands clenched in his hair. "I couldn't save him this time." The words were soft, and he felt himself falling apart all over again.
_____________________________________
Gabriel felt his heart sink as Sam blew him off immediately yet again, just as he had with his little miracles and tiny smiles.
"I guess I am whatever you want me to be, Sambert." He chirped, the words sounding strangled as he heard them leave his lips. "Last time I checked I was real, but maybe i'm remembering wrong." He shook out his wings before folding them behind his back, taking a few steps toward the hunter and swallowing hard. "Listen, I- about your brother..."
_____________________________________
Sam was laughing again, quietly, his shoulders shaking and his dark hair spilling over his face. He /felt/ insane, and he /hated/ it. "If you're real--" He began to croak out, looking up at the arch angel, "--then where the /hell/ have you been all this time? Lucifer has been cage-bound for years-- what kept you away? How could you stand by and watch heaven /fall/?"
Sam raised his eyes to look upon Gabriel, to glare his anger, frustration, and hurt.
"You abandoned /everyone/."
/You abandoned me./
The thought floated through his mind, unnoticed amongst the guilt and pain that held him in a vice-grip.
At the mention of Dean, he vigorously shook his head. "What about him? Did you just come here to tell me what I already know? Nothing you say is going to change a damn thing, Gabriel!"
"I have to find him, and no one is going to stop me. Not you, not Crowley, no one. So unless you have anything useful to say, get the hell out."
_____________________________________
Gabriel's mouth opened and closed several times, his usually playful expression completely blank. "I didn't come back because I couldn't, Sam. I'm dead." He said quietly, his wings - although no one but him could see them - tucking behind his back, away from nonexistant prying gazes, almost... Shy. "I was resurrected as a Guardian Angel- yours, to be exact, but... We don't exist on the human plane, just like soldier's wings are hidden. I've been with you for four years, I just wasn't allowed to tell you. I mean-" He paused, rubbing at his eyes. "That sounds creepy as hell, but it's the truth. I didn't a- ...aband-" The former archangel choked on his own words, shaky breaths moving in and out of his lungs. "I didn't abandon everyone, I just had to sit and wait as they fell apart. A dead angel is no use to anyone, I was ignored, disregarded, scorned, even-! Sam, I /tried/. But my siblings are FAR from perfect." He walked in front of Sam again, desperate to be seen. "The only reason i'm here now is because there's no one left." He confessed in a whisper, fists clenched. "No one cares about big bro anymore. So I quit. Took my mojo- what I have left- and flew the coop, running straight to the only person who /might/ believe I'm worth something anymore."
_____________________________________
Gabriel's words might have shocked him a couple of years ago - a day ago, even - but here and now, facing the loss of Dean, he just absorbed them without objection. There was almost nothing on heaven, earth, or hell that surprised him anymore, and Gabriel's explanation made a hell of a lot more sense than the chaos that surrounded him.
"My guardian angel--" He finally breathed out, his mind jumping to varying instances over the past four years that were nothing short of a miracle. Instances he had passed off as sheer dumb luck and quick reflexes, because he had learned to stop believing in miracles. Angels were just as corrupt, greedy, and manipulative as mankind. Castiel was the only angel he trusted, and even then he too had succumbed to the corruption of power. Then, there was Gabe, an arch angel that he had wanted to hate. Though, to be fair, that was before Sam knew what he was. He trusted Gabriel even when Dean did not, and even now he felt called by the angel's presence, easily putting his faith in his words.
What ever hardened exterior he had built up upon Gabriel's arrival was slowly eroding away.
He felt guilt for giving him such a hard time, but not guilty enough to apologize, and not when his mental state was questionable. The glare that sharpened his features just moments ago softened with a quiet sigh. As great as his suffering was, he was not so selfish as to push Gabriel away when he was in great need himself.
"You chose a hell of a time to fly the coop." Sam said, the tension leaving his shoulders. "But it looks like we're in this together." He sat back in the chair and threw a hand up. "So what now? Where do we go from here?"
On second thought, he had a more pressing question.
"Actually, wait. If you're a guardian angel, why didn't you fall with the rest of them? You can't be dead if they resurrected you."
_____________________________________
Gabriel have a humorless huff of laughter. "Well, no one's tried to make a Guardian out of an Archangel before, have they? Guess the rules aren't quite the same on this end. Or somethin. I don't know." He pushed his hair, once styled and elegant, now floppy and saddened, out of his eyes. "All I knew was that my Dad really didn't give a flying fuck what his secondary creations were doing when he wasn't home, and in turn, they learned not to give one about him. You and Dean-o are the only ones I have faith in anymore. So here I am. Where from here?" He looked up at Sam from his towering height, winking- but instead of a meaningless, silly gesture, it was gentle, and affectionate. "Hell if I know, but at least I'm with you."
Suddenly he snapped his fingers, the gesture doing nothing with his current lack of powers, but still cracking in the quiet of the night. "I do know one thing. You see things differently when you're in the eighty-millionth dimension, and I saw what happened to your bro. And he aint Dead."
A grimace.
"Well. Not...really, anyway."
_____________________________________
Sam nodded slowly through Gabriel's explanation, rising to his feet to pace as the arch-angel-turned-guardian-angel spoke. A lot of it made no sense to him, but then again a lot of what the angels did never made much sense to him anyways. His faith in them had been jaded a long time ago, and he finally accepted that there was almost no one he could trust on heaven, hell, or earth. Not even his own /brother/. He felt bile rise in his throat at the memory of Dean's most recent betrayal, but that did not matter now, did it? Because he would rather have that back than not have Dean at all, and he had realized it too late.
Sam's expression, contorted with grief, softened slightly at the shadow of Gabe's usual wink.
But whatever moment of reprieve had been there vanished when Gabriel brought up Dean again. "I-I know." He said, sighing heavily in an effort to maintain his composure, hazel eyes dropping as he ran a hand through his hair. "Bodies just don't disappear." Sam grimaced, hand clenching his dark hair. "I shouldn't have left his side. I--"
He choked on his words, a fresh wave of hot tears lining his eyes. "I have to find him, Gabe. I have to /help/ him." Sam bent down to pick up the duffle bag he had dropped on the floor a while ago. "I can't stay here. I don't know where I'm going, but I can't stay here." Shouldering the bag, he took a few paces towards the garage then turned his head to look back at Gabriel, "You're welcome to come."